going somewhere

Sometimes it feels like you’re being pulled along by an underground current. You’re walking in one direction but you feel like you’re actually walking upside down, or inside out, or trying to swim up through the sky, or trying to tunnel down through the ground.

It’s like when you’re sitting on a train that you’ve never caught before, and you’re waiting for it to leave the station. You have an idea of which way it will go that may be based on nothing more than your own innate sense of direction, an internal compass that you’ve been unknowingly relying on. Then suddenly, the train’s engine spurs into action and it lurches forward. It’s going the wrong way! your alarmed, baffled, and disorientated mind reports to you; blinking, spinning, trying to make sense of something for which there is no seemingly rational explanation.

You then realise that the train can’t be wrong. Why would it be? The train is going exactly where it needs to be. You’re wrong. Your feelings are playing tricks on you, and for no good reason.

Next time you’re sitting on that platform, you know exactly what to expect, and it doesn’t feel like aliens are using giant, invisible magnets to somehow interfere with your world, dragging you along an unplanned route of their making, without your knowledge. This time, you know which way you’re going, and you feel calm. It may not be the direction you dreamt of, not the perfect path you hoped to create, but equally, it doesn’t throw you, and you don’t feel the need or the desire to question it. It just is.

And once you’re able to embrace that, you can relax, and turn your free mind to other things … such as your next train trip.

the breath knows how to breathe

On New Year’s Day, I woke up thinking about a dream that I’d had the night before. I dreamt that I was back at work, and I needed to run an errand. By far the easiest way to complete the errand would be to take a car, but I don’t have a car. So somebody said, “Ah, that’s okay, take mine.” No problem. I love driving and I really miss not having my own car. I went to look for the vehicle in question and found that it was a luxe sports car. Now the make of the car itself was a little bit fuzzy. It could have been a Ferrari, or a Porsche (Those of you reading this who are interested in cars may be inwardly groaning right now. I realise that a Ferrari is nothing like a Porsche, I really do. But apparently my sub-conscious thinks they’re all a bit the same. Sorry). Either way, it was new, and fancy, and fast, and I was at the wheel.

When I began driving the car, I was in heaven. It was so smooth! I barely brushed the accelerator and I was flying, or, to quote OMC, cruising down the highway in the hot, hot sun. It was the best! I felt free. Then suddenly, I realised I was on the road, with other road users, and I should probably slow down. And maybe there were cameras or police around, so I should really keep an eye on the speedometer (Ahem. Not that that’s the only reason not to speed, of course.) And actually, this was a super nice car, which was also not mine, so I should really be more careful in general. What if I hit someone by accident? What if they hit me? What if I scraped the side of the car when I went to park it? I’ve only parallel parked about five times this year, perhaps I had forgotten how to do it? And this was an unfamiliar car too, so it would probably be more difficult.

After a short while of driving the car, I had become so cautious, it was hardly moving. At one point, I became that unsure of what I was doing, I actually looked down at my feet to make sure I was hitting the brakes, like, really hitting them, because I didn’t want to make a mistake. I had been transformed from grinning adventurer to a ball of nerves in less than five minutes.

So. Self sabotage. Apparently I know how to do it in my dreams in addition to real life! Do you ever worry about doing something well? So much so that you completely mess it up? I wish I could say that I was only guilty of doing that once or twice, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than that. This year one of the things I’m committed to doing is letting go. Not worrying so much, not trying to control everything. Allowing nature to do its thing a little bit. And hey, if I crash and burn, so be it. At least I’ll go out with a smile on my face.

concentration, concentration now begins, names of… what was i saying?

I have realised that I have a low attention span. Well. Maybe that’s unfair. It’s just that I am interested in many things, and I like to try and do all of these things at once. And I also would really like to be the best at these things. It’s a little hard to achieve, I must say. Especially when I am so easily distracted.

Hmmm. I get really excited about new ideas. And I wonder where I can take them, or where they’ll take me. I get inspiration for a particular character, and then I see that character translate to a new and successful book series, or as a collection of cute and winsome cards. I draw a pattern in a particular style and start fantasising about spring/summer mood boards, luxurious silks and crisp organic cottons, not to mention imagining what the brand name will be.

At the moment, since I’ve made this self diagnosis, I’m trying to figure out if I should let this penchant for multi faceted daydreaming continue, or whether I should reign it in a little, put on the blinders?

Any musings on the subject, helpful or otherwise, would not be turned away ungratefully.

Meanwhile, in other sort of (un)related news, I’ve just started guitar lessons! So far, so good… My attention span seems to be coping long enough for me to practice my strumming and undoubtedly make the neighbours wonder what happened to the trumpet practice. Never mind! They’ll soon come to appreciate that there’s nothing wrong with my multi-pronged instrument practice attack (or is there?). They did mention they had nick-named someone at their previous place of residence ‘Gee-tar Man’. Apparently he was NOT very proficient, so I guess I don’t have to improve too much for them to still be better off than they were before, which is some consolation.